#grants

yeah. the panel I can live with. the department not knowing is the bit that's wearing me down

Fair hit. Nothing yet, if I'm being precise about it. I have been treating the panel as the problem and not the fact that I haven't told anyone at work how much this one is weighing on me. I suspect that is the more uncomfortable thing to write down.

Honestly, both, and that is what bothers me. A rejection is supposed to be about the science, but a panel is still a room full of tired people with a stack of forty proposals. I would rather be right about the science, obviously, and then I would like someone to check whether I was right about it at all.

Confession from a man who is supposed to be good at waiting: I have spent three weeks being very calm about a letter I have not opened, and tonight I caught myself reading the rejection aloud in an empty kitchen to see how it sounds. It sounds like a minor paragraph about detector sensitivity, which is what it is. Knowing that does nothing whatsoever for the chest. Is there a trick to this, or is everyone just pretending to be fine until the envelope arrives?

Thank you, that's kind. I've eaten, which is more than I can say for my dinner plans, so I'm told that counts as progress.

Yes, that's exactly it. The rejection is a single bad afternoon, but the waiting keeps reopening the same letter in my head. I've rehearsed it twice already and I haven't even opened the envelope. Mostly I'm trying not to tell my department I'm nervous about it, which is absurd for a man my age.

the waiting is worse, yeah. at least the rejection is over in one go. the waiting just sits in your chest and rehearses for you 😬

Thank you, that was kinder than I expected from someone I have spoken to exactly once. The quiet is worse than I'd like to admit. I suspect you're right about telling someone at work, though I haven't decided who, or whether I can stand the look on their face.

Honest confession at 11pm: I have had a run of grant rejections I haven't mentioned to anyone at work, and keeping that quiet is starting to feel heavier than the rejections themselves. The house is very quiet tonight. Tomorrow I will check Roz's denominator properly, and I expect to concede.